Booger-Eater Biowarfare

Inside a Pentagon C-Ring SCIF, an Air Force Brigadier General steps up to a podium and prepares to brief the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  To the briefer's left, a TV screen displays the accompanying PowerPoint presentation.

"Mr. Chairman, Mr. Vice-Chairman, esteemed Service Chiefs: thank you for attending my briefing.  I'm here today to inform you of a potent new weapon the military has been developing and testing, and is ready to roll out for battlefield deployment."


Unexpectedly, the Service Chiefs interrupted the briefing with their guesses on what this amazing new weapon would be.

"A neutron bomb," the Navy's CNO Richardson speculated.
"A space laser?", asked USAF Chief of Staff Goldfein.
 USMC Commandant Neller exclaimed excitedly, "A robotic infantryman!"
"A flying tank!" Army Chief of Staff Milley blurted.

<Record scratch>

An awkward silence descended over the room.  For a few seconds, the only noises were the buzzing of the fluorescent lights and the soft whine of the projector.  Then, Chairman Dunford's voice broke the quiet; in a perfectly deadpan tone, he impugned the Chief of Staff's intelligence as he simultaneously smacked the back of Milley's head.

"Resume your briefing, General," Dunford continued.

"Yes, Mr. Chairman," the one-star replied.  "This new weapon system is a revolutionary biological weapon that can be deployed on short notice anywhere in the world.  It consists of groups of ten to fifteen sick and contagious 2nd-Graders.  The idea is to. . ."

"You're joking," CNO Richardson interrupted.

"No, sir.  Research shows that 2nd-Graders are vectors for a biological pathogen far more virulent than anything scientists can develop in a lab.  The concept is to use it as a decapitation weapon against the head of a hostile government or other key figures: the children get in close proximity to the intended targets, and spread the pathogen by coughing, sneezing, nose-blowing, and wiping snot on nearby objects.  It's normal 2nd-grader behavior, so nobody will suspect anything.  The pathogen's carriers will get close to the target by using educational field trips as cover - for example, meeting with Putin for an official photo-op.  The goodwill aspect of the visit gives the children access that a JSOC operator or CIA clandestine officer could only dream of, Sir."

"Interesting," said Chairman Dunford. He paused for a few seconds before continuing, obviously mulling over the idea.  Before long, he spoke up again.

"I like this idea.  It will give America a decisive edge on shaping world affairs.  Does anyone have any objections or questions? No? Good.  I'll take this to the President and SecDef; in the meantime, get to work on finalizing the formal proposal.  I want to see a budget, a TO&E, and a timetable for deployment in three weeks."

"Yes, Mr. Chairman.  I'll pass the word to get right on it."

With that, the briefing concluded and all the participants went their separate ways.

[Author's note: in case it's not obvious, this is a work of sarcastic fiction.  I'm writing this while recovering from a somewhat nasty bug that I picked up from - you guessed it - a class of 2nd-Graders.  I wrote this to poke fun at my predicament, because I can't waterboard the little booger-eaters as revenge for them getting me sick.  Yes, that last sentence is sarcasm too.]